Before They Made Pizza
by stuffbylouie
Summary: Take a journey back to the Dark Ages when the Cats were in high school. Find out who was popular, who was a moron, who everyone hated, and who everyone loved.
1. Bit at the begining

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- BEFORE THEY MADE PIZZA -

By Louielacious Moe 

(Formally known as Kat)

__

Take a journey back to the Dark Ages when the Cats were in high school. Find out who was popular, who was a moron, who everyone hated, and who everyone loved.

Yay! I'm so happy I'm finally putting this story up. I was very pleased with this when I wrote it, and I still am. I just had so much fun with idea of all the Cats being in high school together. So yeah, I hope you enjoy it! Please enjoy it? ^_^ By the way if you are reading this after the 7/1/02 I am on vaction for three weeks. I don't know if I'll be able to get on the net while I'm away (I will try though). So yeah if anyone sends me anything or something like that I won't be able get in contact with you for a while. Cool? Okay cool.

Disclaimer: New stuff I do not own – the Pizza Cats (duh!), Italian bed sheets, the Pope, Al Gore, the movie Grease and some other stuff I can't be bothered to think of right now. Please don't sue, I don't have a lawyer.


	2. Part One

~*~

N: For those who have just started reading this you certainly have missed alot! I suppose you want to know what's going on...right? (under his breath) Greedy vultures…'AHEM!' It begins when Speedy, Polly, Guido and Francine were called to the Palace by Princess Vi for some big emergency. On arrival they were annoyed to find that the big panic was over a giant spider in Princess Vi's bed, which in turn was accused of disrupting her "beauty sleep" (she said it, not me!). For back up, Vi also called the police, the fire department and the army…just incase the spider would not go quietly. So let's all tune in to the crime scene now…

Speedy: (holding a crow bar) Come here Mr. Spider, I won't hurt you… I just want to crush your insides a little bit...!

Vi: STOP! (holding Speedy back) I will not permit you to do such a thing! Those bed sheets were imported from Italy! I WON'T HAVE SPIDER GUT STAINS ON MY SHEETS!!

Polly: I say let's just spray the stupid thing…! (mumbles under her breath)…And Princess Vi while we're at it…

Vi: NO! My bedroom would stink for weeks…!

Francine: (trying to sound reasonable) Well your Hines what do _you_ think we should do?

Vi: I called you over here so you could figure that out! You're supposed to be professional super heroes! And I'm the helpless yet incredibly attractive victum! No one is leaving until the spider is DEAD!

Guido: (whispers to Polly) What time is it…?

Polly: (whispers back) It's 10 minutes till midnight. The girl is a crazed nut! Who could care less about her stupid Italian bed sheets anyway…

Vi: (still ranting…) Why aren't you getting rid of the spider?! I want to go to bed! If I don't get seven hours sleep my eyes will puff up and I'll look like a CORPSE!

Guido: (under his breath) It would be an improvement…!

(Polly snickers)

Vi: (even more ranting…) What kind of training did you Pizza Cat's do anyway?! You all suck! You can't even kill a spider! YOU-!

Speedy: (feeling the need to cut in) Well for your information _your Hines_, we trained at "The Samurai Pizza Cat Academy" for three years and believe me we worked our butts off! We know all about being Pizza Cat's…

(Polly, Guido and Francine look at Speedy with extreme disbelief…)

Vi: (glaring at Speedy) Did you just interrupt me...?

Speedy: (who suddenly realises the trouble he's in) I ah...well…ah...um…I…ah...I…was…ah…!

Vi: IS THAT A YES OR A NO?!

Speedy: Yes! I mean no…no wait! I mean yes! Or possibly no...

Vi: Anyone who interrupts me gets a one way trip to PRISONER ISLAND! 

(Everyone gulps, Speedy especially…)

Vi: But just for fun I'll choose another punishment for you Speedy. Do 300 push-ups NOW!!

Speedy: HUH?! What is this, boot camp?!

Vi: I was watching aerobics this morning and got inspired to do some exercise…but I don't feel like doing anything that will mess my hair so you'll do it for me PEE WEE!

Speedy: Oh, why ME?!

Vi: You have no hair, duh!

Guido: C'mon Speedy! It will be just like High School…

Francine: I remember that! Speedy had to do push-ups all afternoon because he was caught in the girl's locker room.

Speedy: (grumpily starting his push-ups) Hey that was an accident! I thought I was in the art rooms...

Polly: Sure, sure, SURE! All lies Speedy! You were in the locker rooms trying to get a look at Luciel getting changed…!

Speedy: I was NOT!! I would never do that kind of thing…I was a gentleman in High School.

Polly: Yeah! And a Home Ec nerd come to think of it…(giggles)

Speedy: Was not!

Polly: Were to!

Speedy: Was NOT!

Polly: Were TOOO!

Guido: Isn't it time to cue the flash back? …Narrator?!

N: Yeah yeah! Keep your tail on, let me just find my lines...

Francine: I thought you were more professional then that?

N: Well _excuse me_ if I fell asleep! I swear a chess match between the Pope and Al Gore would be more stimulating then all this FLUFF! 

Vi: Huh?

N:…Just que the flashback…

(Everything gets all cool and wobbly as we go back in time to when the Cat's were young teenagers at High School.)

N: Well, here we are! The Pizza Cats are in school…scary thought huh? Allot of secrets will be revealed. Stories that you never knew about our Pizza team will be told. It's like travelling in the Twilight Zone (cue spooky twilight music). What I'm trying to say is that everybody is different, twisted and weird! Even more so then usual… So sit back, relaaaaaaaaaax and enjoy! As we begin our story outside the school grounds where we wait for that horrid bell to ring....

Guido: (in a football jacket, jeans and sneakers) The Gods have smiled on us my friend! It's finally happened! I can smell it in the air…(breaths in the air like he's never breathed it in his life)

Bat Cat: (wearing practically the same thing) Are you sick or something Guido? It's the first day of school and you're on about smiling Gods or something. You're not even beating up any freshman!

Guido: Yeah but its the first day of our _last_ year of school! Don't you remember our plans for dropping out early? Twelve months and it's all over. We will have the freedom to do what we like and have as may parties as we want! We'll finally pursue our dream of becoming famous football players. Think of the GIRLS! (eyes wide with pleasure) Oh, and don't worry man I'll beat some freshman geeks up after lunch.

Bat Cat: Whatever.

N: Near by...

Polly: (in a skirt and a cheerleading sweater) C'mon Luciel, aren't you done with the mirror yet?

Luciel: (in a blue dress that's waaaaaaay to short) But Polly I need to get my foundation just right or I'll go around the school with different skin shades! What kind of impression would I make!?

Polly: I need to see how my new eye shadow looks, give me that thing! (grabs the mirror)

Luciel: I had it first POLLY! You hurt my feelings so much, sometimes I just feel LIKE-!

KAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!! 

(Missiles dart out from Luciel's hair-do left, right and centre. Students duck out of the way, dropping their books in a panic.)

Polly: (who just missed getting hit in the head by an oncoming missile) You know Luciel, you could have just decorated your hair with clips but NO! You had to be different and use ammunition!

Luciel: I probably look awful now…where's that mirror?! Quick!

Polly: (looking in another direction) Hey, check it out! Madame President has arrived…

Luciel: (looking where Polly's looking) She looks a little better this year don't you think?

Polly: Eh! (a disgusted look on her face) Are you kidding Luciel?! 

N: The girl they are cussing at is none other then Francine: the enemy. That's right! Before Polly and Fran became the friends you now know, Fran was head of the debating team and did origami classes on weekends. She's also a wiz at commerce and anything to do with making money. Money and Francine are practically the same word afterall… Polly of course was the cheerleading captain. These two did not share good vibes in High School.

Polly: Take a look at that vest and buckle shoes…she looks like our principal! (turning to Luciel) And you thought she actually looked better since last year! (laughs) 

Luciel: Well, her hair's not as bad as it was.

Polly: Enough about _her_, I want to know something else…(looks at Luciel deceptively) 

Luciel: Wha…what? Why are you looking at me like that?

Polly: You know! Come on Luciel…you haven't told me who you're taking to the big party this Friday?

Luciel: Ah...(in denial)…what party?

Polly: Stop pretending you don't know what I'm talking about! The biggest party ever at Conny Tyra's mansion? The one we shopped all day Saturday for? Remember?!

Luciel: Oh yes! I remember now…(nervous chuckle) Well, its none of your business who I want to bring Polly! ...You would laugh anyway…

Polly: I KNEW IT! I knew you were hiding it from me Luciel! Now you _have_ to tell me! Is it real embarrassing?

Luciel: (backing away from her) I think I heard the bell ring, I'll see you in class Polly! BYE BYE! (runs off)

Polly: Funny, I didn't hear no bell?

N: Poor old Speedy Cerviche. Who knew this lonely, geeky guy would become the leader of the Pizza Cat fighting force? 

Speedy: (in a pair of reading glasses and a white shirt that's buttoned all the way to the top) Hello! Will you go to Conny's party with me?

Girl: (who looks like she's going to puke) I'd rather go with my dad! (stomps off)

Speedy: Can't say I didn't try. I'm never going to get a stupid date for this party, OUCH! (walks into a tree) Curse these SPECTACLES! (puts his glasses in his pocket) My kingdom for eyes that can SEE!

N: And would you look who's coming Speedy's way? It's Bad Bird! Well actually back then he was 'Good Bird' and was also Speedy's best friend. If that makes you sick to the stomach, 'Good Bird' was also A grade student! Now he's just a A grade pain in the ass…

Good Bird: Hi Speedy! Is that a bruise on your head?

Speedy: (trying to cover it up) NO! It's nothing! Why weren't you on the bus this morning?

Good Bird: My mom drove me...I wish she didn't though! It's really humiliating being driven to school by your mom and having Polly Ester see you. She wouldn't stop yelling 'Mummy's BOY!! Mummy's BOY!!' 

Speedy: I know what you mean, I asked her to go to Conny's party with me but she said she'd rather eat compost. I don't see why girls don't like me. Just because I like cooking and play the tuba!

N: (sarcastic) Yes that ones troubling me too...

Good Bird: I agree. All the hot girls like Polly Ester only go after Guido Anchovie type guys. Just because he's the captain of the football team! They don't even notice the guys with brains.

(Both of them laugh hysterically)

N: HA HA! So NOT funny!

Speedy: Hey, maybe if we join the football team, we will gain what we've always wanted...!

Good Bird: (excited) Fluorescent lights?!

Speedy: Huh? …No!

N: WHAT?!

Speedy: I meant respect Good Bird!

Good Bird: Are you sure we're up to it Speedy? I don't want to get hurt, or dirty...

Speedy: Just think about it though! Girls as popular as Polly Ester will want to go out with dorks like you and me!

Good Bird: But Speedy…!

Speedy: We have to! I want respect! I want victory! It's time we crawled out of our holes and become FOOTBALL PLAYERS! REAL GUYS!

(The entire school stops to stare at Speedy, who is now standing courageously on top of one of the school garbage bins…)

Good Bird: Speedy, get down! (looking anxious) You're drawing too much attention to us...!

Speedy: Ah...(suddenly feeling a little embarrassed)…I believe the bell has rung!

N: And that was the real bell this time round. All the students move inside the school, busily chatting and gossiping. Francine is approaching Speedy from behind as he unpacks his things into his new locker...

Francine: Good morning Speedy! How was your holiday?

Speedy: (not really paying attention) Just fine...

Francine: Oh that's good, say do you happen to be having English class today?

Speedy: I told you just fine...!

Francine: Speedy, are you even listening to me?

Speedy: Sure! Take a turn to the left and then go down the hall. You can't miss it...!

Francine: Ah…okay, well I guess I'll leave you to your locker then… By the way I hope you will be attending the 'Woman's rights movement' debate on Saturday. I'll be the main speaker!

Speedy: (closing his locker and collecting his things) Listen, I have to get to Home Ec class. I'll see you later Sharlene...

Francine: It's Francine…

Speedy: Oh okay, bye! (runs off)

Francine: (looking up to the ceiling) Why does he avoid me Lord? Is it my breath?

N: Well she's always had a problem with that. Meanwhile, close by...

Guido: (holding a freshman by the collar) When I say give me your money, you give me your MONEY! You don't want to become a missing person now do you…?

Bat Cat: (also in the act) Didn't you ever learn how to share a little bit? 

Guido: Yeah! Where do you get off being so selfish, HUH?!

Freshman: But…but! My mom will get angry…!

Guido and Bat Cat: OH BOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Freshman: Please don't kill me! (sweating at the brow)

Guido: Tell you what. Give me your money _and _your Walkman and we'll let you keep all your limbs okay buddy? (letting him go) 

Freshman: (emptying his locker into Guido's hands) Go ahead! Take it take ALL! (runs away traumatized) AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Guido: (shouting out to him) AND IF YOU SQUEAL WE WILL KICK YOUR FRESHIE BUTT ALL THE WAY TO ARGENTASIA!

N: Argentasia?

Guido: So I never attend Geography class, who cares!

Batcat: Whatever.

Guido: (suddenly distracted by someone coming down the hall…)…well well WELL! Would you take a look at who just strutted my way…! 

Polly: (who keeps walking…) Save it for someone who cares. And I wasn't strutting I was walking!

Gudio: Why didn't you call me over the holidays Polly? My parents went away for a week, you and I could have had some action…(wink wink)

Polly: (rolls her eyes) In your dreams…!

Guido: C'mon! Why do you keep pushing me away? You know your dying for me to take you to Conny's. You want me…admit it!

Polly: For the last time stupid NO! Not after what happened last year you two-timing bastard! (tries to walk away again, but Guido slides in front of her)

Guido: I said I was sorry babe, what more can I do? (tries to pull her towards him but she retaliates)

Polly: You can stop hanging around me like a bad smell for one thing _Anchovie!_

Guido: Well, who are you taking to Conny's then?

Polly: It just so happens I'm taking...well...no one, right now. But I'll find someone! And they'll be ten times better then the date you ever were you MEAT BALL! (pushes him out of her way and disappears down the hall) 

Bat Cat: Meat joke. Man that's cold. What happened last year?

Guido: Don't you remember anything?! We went out last summer…

Bat Cat: You did?

Guido: Yeah, where have you been?!

N: Oh great! Here comes a flashback within a flashback! We're going back to last summer when Polly was supposedly going out with Guido…can you believe this? Oh by the way if the following sounds like a scene from the movie 'Grease' then you are very observant. Be warned: the writer is trying to be cute…(shudder)

(Guido and Polly are sitting in a Cadillac, watching a drive-in movie. Polly is wearing a green sweater with her hair tied back in a ponytail. Guido is wearing a black leather jacket. Polly is looking rather cross about something…)

Guido: Oh come on Polly! I told you on the phone that I was sorry. 

Polly: (arms folded) I know that you did.

Guido: Do you believe me?

Polly: (arms still folded) I still think you and Cho Cho went together.

N: Cho cho?

Guido: We did not _go_ together! We just…_went _together.

Polly: It's the same thing!

Guido: (shaking his head) No…no…no…!

(Polly continues to sit with her arms folded. Guido in the meantime is now trying to get a ring of his finger with great difficulty. He ends up elbowing Polly in the chest…)

Polly: OOWW!

Guido: Oh! Oh Polly, I'm sorry! I…(takes a moment) Polly, um…would you wear my ring?

Polly: (a warm smile comes across her face) Guido! (taking the ring) I don't know what to say!

Guido: Say yes!

Polly: Yes! (she hugs him) Oh Guido, this means so much to me! Cause I know now that you respect me…

(Guido looks very pleased with himself. With his arm around Polly, he decides to make a move for the chest! His hand moves slowly down…down…down…down…then…)

Polly: (appalled at what Guido was trying to do, flicks his hand away) GUIDO!

Guido: (jumping on top of her) OH POLLY!

Polly: (pinned down) What are you DOING!?

Guido: Don't worry about it, nobodies watching!

N: AHEM! Hello?

Polly: Guido get off ME! (pushes him off and opens the car door)

Guido: Polly, what's the matter with you?!

(Polly slams the door which into knocks Guido in the groin)

Guido: Uhhhhhh! (holds his groin in pain)

Polly: You think I'm going to stay here with you in this sin wagon?! You can take this piece of tin! (throws Guido's ring into the car and runs off)

Guido: Polly! You just can't walk out of a DRIVE-IN!

(Guido watches Polly go…he becomes meloncholy)

Guido: (singing) "Stranded at the drive-in!"

N: OKAY! I have had just about enough of that! We could get very sued at this rate, so back to Guido and Bat cat standing in the school halls…

Guido: (sighing) She was so innocent back then…

Bat Cat: Did you really get with Cho Cho?

Guido: Duh, of course I did! She was hot…!

Bat Cat: (consulting his watch) Hey we are like 15 minutes late for class…

Guido: Who needs class! Let's go smoke in toilets.

Bat Cat: Whatever.

(Guido and Bat Cat pass the school Bulletin Board on their way…)

Guido: (reading a notice) What the hell is this snot?!

Bat Cat: Huh? Did someone sneeze on the board?

Gudio: _No!_ I was just reading here…(points)…that Cerviche is joining the football team! How dare that little geek try to move in on _my _territory! I'll crush him into a cube...(clenches a fist)

Bat Cat: (reading the notice) Looks like that other geek Good Bird is also in on it. Bummer.

Guido: Okay that's all I can stand! We got to get rid of them some how, you and me! I'm so sick to death of nerds! They just keep breeding and breeding...

Bat Cat: Whatever.

N: Will Speedy the nerd be alive by part two? Will Francine get Speedy's attention? Who does Luciel want to take to the dance? Will Polly forgive Guido? Can you believe they even liked each other once and were thinking of dating?! Who knew Guido could even get a date?! Will Batcat stop saying "whatever"?! Will I narrate a chess final between the Pope and Al Gore??!! Can you even see how they became PIZZA CAT'S!!?? All this and more in Part Two of "Before They Made Pizza."


	3. Part Two

~*~

N: And we're back for the second half! (suddenly disgruntled)…Stupid lousy show! I couldn't believe it when the writers said they were making a part two to this thing. I thought they were bluffing or at least drunk. Or was I drunk? 

Speedy: (up to push-up number eighty-seven) Who cares you rambling poo poo!

N: WELL! I'm sick of your toilet humor Speedy! And anyway _I'm_ not the one who's been stuck doing push-ups for the last half-hour. In case our audience is confused, we are back to the present day when Princess Vi called the Pizza Cat's over for an emergency spider incident. Speedy was a bad little boy and is being punished by the very charming and lovely Princess Vi…

Vi: SHUT YOUR HOLE NARRATOR PERSON I CAN'T HERE MYSELF THINK!

Speedy: (mumbling to himself about the narrator) Stupid...can't keep...his...mouth...closed...!

Vi: (holding a 9mm pistol to Speedy's head) SPEEDY! SHUT YOUR OWN MOUTH BEFORE I STICK THIS IN IT! 

Speedy: AHHHH! Princess Vi! Your most beautiful, nice feet smelling Hines…! Eh he he! I thought this program protested last year about the use of animated guns as a result of too much dying? We have a contract for GOD SAKES!

Vi: Excuses, excuses. Anything to keep me from killing you brutally. Listen, as long as you keep your trapped closed and not interrupt me hearing about your High School life I'll let you live alrighty…?

Speedy: Deal! Say, can I stop doing push-ups now?

Vi: NO!

Speedy: Oh. Can you get me some OJ?

Vi: (very cranky) NO! 

Guido: AS I WAS SAYING!!

Polly: Can we please finish telling this story by tonight? I need to get home so I can get my _own _beauty sleep!

Francine: Yeah, the audience is getting restless. We still have Part three to do yet...

N: Oh God don't remind me! Well go ahead, tell away… I won't stop you. I'll just look at these magazines of naked...ah...house renovation tips!

Speedy: Naked house renovation tips? What kind of reading material is that?

Guido: (picking up from where he left off) The story continues when I had just found out that Speedy wanted to be on the football team. I found him later that day at team tryouts.

(Que wobbly flashback to the school football field…)

Polly: (sitting in the spectator's seats) I don't understand _why_ you dragged me out here to see the stupid football try outs Luciel! (watching Guido toss a football back and forth to Batcat) You know I can't stand football guys anymore...

Luciel: (chewing gum) It's just such a lovely day! Why spend it indoors? I heard there were some cool guys trying out too.

Polly: Could it be that this mysterious guy your going to ask to Conny's is here? 

Luciel: Ummm....

(Speedy and Bad Bird suddenly appear onto the field)

Polly: I hope you don't mean cool guys like Cerviche and Good Bird cause I'm _not_ entertained. Why are they trying out anyway? (stands up on her seat and yells at the top of her voice:) HEY LOOSERS! CAREFUL YOU DON'T GIVE YOURSELVES NOSEBLEEDS, YOU FLABBY WIMPS!

Good Bird: Do you think she's talking to us?

Speedy: Well we match her description.

(Polly sits back down, laughing to herself)

Luciel: Polly that was so naughty of you! How do you know they're losers? They might be surprisingly superior sportsman!

(As if on cue, Speedy gets hit in the head by a travelling football and falls face first into the mud.)

Polly: (absolutely hysterical) Because stuff like that only happens to LOOOOOSERS!! I was wrong this is entertaining! HAHAHA!

Luciel: Guido threw that ball at Speedy's head on purpose, I wonder why he's being so mean to him lately?

Polly: (stating the obvious) What do you mean "lately?!"

(Meanwhile, on the field…)

Good Bird: (helping a dizzy Speedy up of the ground) I think Anchovie's really angry Speedy! What are we going to DO?!

Speedy: (delirious) What you say Helen?

Good Bird: (upset) That's it Speedy, I'm leaving! This is all too dangerous for someone as fragile as me! I never wanted to be a tough guy. All I want to do is be a fashion designer! You'll have to do this on your own old friend...

Speedy: (regaining consciousness) WHAT?! But, we're a team! This was to ensure our social survival Good Bird! 

Good Bird: I can't do it Speedy, I just can't! 

Speedy: FINE! Go off and be a fashion designer then, see if I CARE!

Good Bird: I'm sorry Speedy...(runs off crying)

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSERS! GOOD BIRD YOU CRY BABY!

(The team's football coach appears on the field…)

Coach: Who keeps yelling like that? (looks over at Polly in the spectators seats) Ah...Batcat could you please go tell that young lady to sit down and stop disturbing the peace before I throw a football in her mouth? Thanks.

(Batcat takes the coaches orders and runs over to Luciel and Polly…)

Polly: (eyeing Batcat with suspicion) And what do _you _want?! Did that slime Anchovie send you over here to harass me even more?

Batcat: Just wondering if you could shut up or the coach over there will stick a football in your throat. I personally think it's a good idea…

Polly: Oh is that what Guido said for you to tell me?! He's so obvious sometimes…God!

Batcat: Hey just giving you the message...(notices Luciel chewing gum)…Hey Luciel, can I please have some gum?

Luciel: I guess so, it's in my bag…front pocket…(points down to the pink zipper bag at her feet)

Polly: WHAT?!

Batcat: Thanks! (finds the gum…and a perfume scented letter.)

Luciel: Find it?

Batcat: Ah...yeah!

Polly: Good now do us a favor and get out of my face!

Batcat: Whatever. (runs back over to try-outs)

Polly: (glaring at Luciel) You gave him gum?! Are you crazy?!

Luciel: He did say please...

Polly: Yeah well now he thinks we're friends with him so Guido's going to think that he still has a chance with me WHICH he of course doesn't…! (looks at her watch and suddenly realises the time) OH #@!%&*^! We are so DEAD!

Luciel: No I believe we are alive…

Polly: No Luciel! I mean we are thirty minutes late for Cheerleading practice! AHHH! (Jumps out of her seat) HURRY LUCIEL!

Luciel: But I can't run on grass! (trying to keep up with Polly) Ow…ooo…OUCH!

Narrator: Yes run girls, RUN! And don't come back...okay they're gone. Well since nothing else interesting happened at football practice today we will skip an hour and join the guys in the locker rooms where it...my GOD, YUK! ABSOLUTLY STINKS! Will somebody _please _discover DEODERANT?!

Speedy: (sitting down, holding a chunk of steak on his black eye) I guess I'll never have respect from anyone, whether I play a popular sport or not. Maybe I should become a monk…?

(Bat Cat suddenly approaches Speedy.)

Speedy: BAT CAT?! (a little nervous) Wha...what can I do for you?! I should inform that if you are going to beat me up you should concentrate on the lower half of my body. The top half is already kinda taken care off…hehe!

Bat Cat: (with a towel around his waist) Calm down dork face. I'm not going to hurt you.

Speedy: (relieved) Oh that's good. (suddenly confused) Why not?

Bat Cat: (giving him a note) Just wanted to give you this, that's all. Looks like that girl Luciel's got the hots for you... (points to his head) She must be a bit funny upstairs…(walks off)

Speedy: Ah...thanks!

Bat Cat: Whatever.

Speedy: (staring at the note like it was from out-of-space) Luciel?

Speedy opens the note, which says:

Roses are Red, Violets are blue,

I wanna take you to Conny's.

And your name is not Stu,

Lipstick is pink and mayonnaise is off white.

Guess who this is,

And when it snows, don't fly a kite!

From your secret admirer ;)

N: _That_ was supposed to be a POEM?! I never thought it would happen, but someone actually wrote a piece of writing worse then this shows script!

(Suddenly, a symphony of corny love music comes on in the background…)

N: Oh no, not MUSIC?! Anything but the MUSIC!!

Speedy: (with love hearts circulating over his head) I have finally found my one true LOVE! Somebody I can finally call SWEET CAKES!

N: You know, when you realize your about to have your first relationship you look forward to love, you look forward late nights out in the back seat of a car, you look forward to joint bank accounts...but NO! SPEEDY spent his day-dreams wishing he could call some 

one SWEET CAKES?! ARE WE EXPERIENCING A PATTERN HERE?! (calming down)…Meanwhile! Polly has once again run into Gudio in the halls…! JOY!

Guido: (holding out a flower) Hey babe! I picked this for ya...! 

Polly: (looking at the flower critically) I think its dead.

Guido: Well, I picked it two weeks ago. I've been keeping it in my pocket until the right moment to give it to you. I think it matches your hair!

Polly: Guido, plant a seed and grow a brain! (walks off again)

Guido: (staring at Polly walking away)...she loves me!

(Bat Cat suddenly runs up the hall to Guido)

Guido: (proud of himself) Did you just see the master at work?!

Bat Cat: What master?

Guido:...me!

Bat Cat: You?

Guido: Yes!

Bat Cat:...me?

Guido: No, ME!

Bat Cat: You?

Guido: YES!

Bat Cat: What? (confused)

N: While these two figure out how to construct a conversation, Francine has spotted Speedy coming out of the boys locker room...

Fran: (too cheery) Hiya SPEEDY! How was football try-outs?!

Speedy: (hardly noticing her) Oh, painful....I've quit.

Fran: Sorry to hear that Speedy. (sees the note in his hand) What's that you're holding?

Speedy: (alarmed, puts the note behind his back)...it's nothing. Just a grocery list, that's all.

Fran: But it smelled like perfume?

Speedy: (changes the subject) Listen, there is something I've been meaning to ask you...something important. I hope you don't mind…

Fran: (thinking: OH MY GOSH! THIS IS IT! HE'S GOING TO ASK ME TO CONNY'S! HE FINALLY LIKES ME! MY MOMENT OF GLORY! I THINK I'M GOING TO WET MYSELF!!) (aloud)...yes?

Speedy: It's about Conny's party...

Fran: (sweating)....yes?!

Speedy: You see, I've been looking for a date and well I was wondering…

Fran: (shaking) YES?!

Speedy: If…

Fran: (jumping up and down) YES??!!

Speedy: You...

Fran: (on the verge of an excitement overdose) YEEEES!!!???

N: For Gods sakes, shut up and let him finish the sentence!

Speedy:...were friends with Luciel?

Fran: (thrown aback) WHAT?! WHY?! But I thought you-!

(Suddenly, a pair of girl's voices can be heard down the other end of the hall...)

Polly: Come on Luciel, keep up! I want to get to those locker rooms before everyone else gets there!

Speedy: (turning around to see Polly down the hall) Did Polly say what I think she said?

Luciel: (running up to Polly) I'm walking as fast as I can Polly! My feet really hurt remember?

Speedy: (in a soft tone) Luciel?

Fran: (in a more disgusted tone) _Luciel?!_

(Speedy puts his glasses as he watches Luciel come down the hall with Polly. Suddenly the corny romantic love music comes back on and everything goes into to super slow motion…)

N: Oh NO! NOT AGAIN! I need ear muffs...!

Speedy: (in a lovey-dovey trance) Luciel!? (looking her up and down) She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen...! My glasses are steaming UP!

Fran: (traumatized) NO! IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE HER! IT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE ME!!

Speedy: What did you say Sharlene?

Fran: (starts ripping her hair out in frustration) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (runs off out off sight)

Speedy: (worried about Fran) Boy did she forget to take her vitamins this morning or what?!

N: Meanwhile, down the other end of the hall...

Guido: (absolutely stunned) Are you SERIOUS!

Batcat: Yep. And she wants him to take her to Conny's party!

Guido: How could anybody have a crush on Cerviche! It's totally twisted! It's SICK!!

Batcat: I know, and can you believe it's that chick Luciel?! She's actually a pretty good sort.

Guido: Are you kidding she's a BABE! How can this happen?! She must have a disorder or something!

Batcat: (realizes something) And you know what's even funnier? Speedy has a date to Conny's! AND YOU DON'T! (laughs)

Guido: (hysterical) HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! (suddenly depressed) Hey, that's not funny…!

Batcat: Oh, sorry dude. I guess it's not _that _funny.

N: Hehehe! I thought it was a riot!

Guido: (looking cool) But, don't worry about me! Polly's still not taking anyone. So don't be surprised when she comes crawling back to yours truly!

Batcat: No offense, but I don't think she's interested in you anymore.

N: (sarcastic) REALLY?! I wonder where he got that idea...

Batcat: And anyway, your not really interested in her either. You just want to take her cause' she's the most popular girl in school, and your the most popular guy and you need to stabilize your reputation. You're only using her. Why don't you just take some other chick and forget about Polly…

Guido: (angry) That is not true! And who the hell's side are you on anyway?! First you tell me to not worry about my reputation, which is just completely nuts, and THEN I find out that you give a love letter to Luciel from Cerviche! You should have ripped it up! 

Batcat: (shaking his head) No way man. Always abide by the rules of love.

Guido: (really annoyed) You better not turn into one of those sensitive new age guy types...

Batcat: (insulted) I'm not GAY!

N: Meanwhile while this rubbish is happening Speedy is blinded by love and has mindlessly followed Luciel and Polly into the girls locker rooms...hehehehe SUCKED IN!

(In the locker rooms, steam from the surrounding showers makes it difficult to see anyone…)

Polly: (getting undressed) Can you believe Speedy Cerviche was staring at us coming down the halls just then?! Some nerve… He shouldn't be within 10 yards of me.

Luciel: (trying to hide the excitement in her voice) He was staring at us? You and me?!

Polly: Yeah. He probably walked into a wall and lost his sense of direction. 

Luciel: (cranky) You don't have to be so mean all the time Polly...

Polly: (laughing) Get real Luciel!

(All of a sudden, a giant scream comes from a girl in a shower close by.)

Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! PERVERT!!!

Speedy: (very, very confused) Can somebody please tell me where I am? I can't see properly!! Are these the art rooms?

(Speedy suddenly bumps into Polly)

Polly: (undressed) What the...?

Speedy: (trying to figure who it is) Hello? What's going ON?! (feeling behind him) Who is that?

Polly: (turns around and screams at the top of her lungs) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! A BOYS IN HERE!!!!!!!!!

Speedy: (the steam clears and Speedy suddenly gets his sight back) Oh my...GOSH....(covers his eyes in embarrassment) POLLY ESTER! Oh gosh…I'm....I'm so sorry!...I didn't mean to walk in on you when you were changing I SWEAR! I was just looking for-!

Polly: (trying to cover herself) YOU!!!??? (horrified) AAAAAAAAHHHHH! 

Luciel: (jumping up and down on a seat) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! WHO IS IT!? GETHIMOUTGETHIMOUT!!!!

Polly: (starts throwing things at Speedy) SICKO!!!

(All the other girls in the locker room join in - throwing things at Speedy's head and screaming insults)

Speedy: (blocking himself) AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! HELP! I'M BEING KILLED!!!

Luciel: (hatch opens on her head) I said GET HIM OOOOOUUUUUUUUTTTTTTT!!!!!!

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!

(Meanwhile just outside, students and teachers are wondering what all the commotion is…)

Student #1: What in the world is going on in the girl's locker rooms?!

Student #2: Someone probably flushed a toilet and all the showers got cold. AHAHA!

(Speedy suddenly runs out waving his arms in fear)

Speedy: (puffing and panting) They're all CRAZY PSYCHO FEMALES!! RUN FOR YOU LIVES!!

(One of the teachers who was watching what was happening comes up to Speedy and grabs him by the ear…)

Speedy: (in agony) YAAAAAAAAHHHOOOW! HELP! IT'S ANOTHER ONE!

Teacher: You're in big trouble young man! You're going to the principal's office for this!

Speedy: But Miss Spank PLEASE RECONSIDER!!

Teacher: (pulling him up the hall) Don't talk back to me!

Speedy: Ah CRAP!

Teacher: (appalled) LANGUAGE!

Guido: (who just came onto the scene) Hey what's happening in the girls locker rooms?

Batcat: (holding his nose) Do you smell gunpowder?

Luciel: (comes out traumatized and speaking at a million miles an hour) SOMEONE CAME IN THE LOCKER ROOMS AND…"sniff"…SAW ME IN A TOWEL AND..."sob"...MADE ME CRY AND..."sniff"...MADE ME LOOSE MY EYEBROW PENCIL!! (cries hysterically)

Batcat: (comforts her) There there Luciel! It's not the end of the world…you can always use a crayola.

Guido: (gulp) BAT CAT! Get some distance from her! SHE'S STILL GOT ONE ROUND OF AMMO LEFT!!

Batcat: (walking away slowly) Uh oh...how much distance?

Guido: I don't know like GERMANY DISTANCE!

Batcat: But dude you know how I am about sausage…

Guido: (pulling him away) RUN YOU BUGAR!!

N: Will Speedy return to Part three alive? Will Guido continue to pursue Polly as his date? Does Batcat have a brain? Does Luciel really like Speedy or are all those missiles in her head effecting her judgement?! Will Francine still have hair?! Will I ever SHUT UP??!!…probably not.


	4. Part Three

~*~

N: I can't believe you all came back for part three! Doesn't anybody participate in a LIFE of some kind?! I know I need to… But since you _are _here, this is what has been going on so far: once again we are back to the present day and yes! Speedy is still pushing those arm muscles to the limit! Much to my pleasure…(snicker)

Speedy: (up to push up 213) I'm...seriously...(puff)...going...(huff)...BLIND...(puff)...HERE!

Vi: Don't worry Speedy! Only 87 to go!

Speedy:...But...!

Vi: SILENCE!

Speedy: (under his breath) Meanie.

Polly: (yawning) Someone start the story again…(another yawn)…I do want to eventually get home tonight.

Fran: I agree. Guido, keep telling the story before I fall into a permanent stupor…(yawns)

Guido: Okay let me think where was I before I was _rudely _interrupted by Speedy...(gives Speedy a threatening look)

Speedy: (very weak)...Hey listen pal I was just-!

G, P, F and Vi: SILENCE!!

Speedy: MEANIES!! ALL OF YOU!!

Fran: (looking back at Guido) You were up to the part where Speedy got caught.

Vi: (joyful) That's RIGHT! I remember now! Speedy was going to the principal's office! That teacher Miss Spank doesn't sound very nice…

Speedy: I know, she was alot like you actually...(puff)

Vi: (calmly insulted) Where's my gun...?

Speedy: (panicky) AAAAH! (screaming) NARRATER!! QUE FLASHBACK!!

N: (sounding tired) I'M UP! I'm up! (yawning) What's happening?

Polly: Sleeping on the job again. Slacker!

N: It's 2:30 in the morning! These things happen…

Fran: But you always go asleep almost every episode!

N: I told you already! You're all as exciting as TOE FUNGUS!

Guido: (shaking his head) He really needs a girlfriend...

Polly: A regular friend would be a start!

(Flashback is cued - everything's wobbly and fuzzy for a while...)

N: And we're back in High School land! Its Friday morning - you know, the BIG morning before Conny Tyra's party. I'm certainly thrilled! Aren't you just _thrilled _teenage Speedy??!!

Speedy: (yelling at the top of his lungs) I'M NEVER LEAVING MY ROOM! NEVER EVER, EVER AGAIN!! I WISH I WAS DEAD!! I'M A SOCIALISTIC DISASTER!!

N: This scene is set in Speedy's house. Speedy has locked himself away in his room while his mother waits patiently for him on the other side…hoping that this little tantrum of Speedy's will end soon. Speedy is upset because one, he got his first detention EVER yesterday which he must serve for two weeks (cleaning the teacher's toilets, plus the coach made him do the famous push-ups); two! He may have destroyed his only chances with the love of his life and three! He finally realized he was a major geek. (snickers) Took him long enough...

Speedy's Mother: (very worried) Now Pumpkin! If you just come down stairs and get ready for schoolies' I'll bake you a nice sardine and artificial corn sweat omelet! 

Speedy: (yelling back from inside his room) But mother, I told you already!

SM: And what did you tell me sugar-beet?!

Speedy: THAT HUMAN EYES CAN NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!

SM: (anxious) But honey, what about your orthodontist appointment this afternoon?

(the doorbell rings from downstairs)

SM: Oh buttons, who could that be?

(A voice can be heard bellowing from below)

SHEILA! GET THE GOD DAMNED DOOR!

SM: (yelling back over the staircase) Can't you please do it yourself precious?! Sugar-beet needs me to smother him with motherly LOVE!

Speedy: I DO NOT!

SHEILA JUST DO IT! I'M SITTING!!

(Speedy's mother bites her lip and answers the door downstairs)

SM: (muttering to herself about he husband) Lazy...selfish...horrible…MAN! (she opens the front door and is suddenly cheery again when she sees who it is...) Oh! Hello there dear! Can I help you?

Luciel: Hello Mrs. Cerviche. My name is Luciel and I'm here to see Speedy. Has he left for school yet?

SM: Speedy?! (over-joyed) Oh that's super! He needs a little cheering up! Wait here I'll go fish him out right away…(runs upstairs) SPPPPPPEEEEEDDDDYYYY!!

Speedy: (with his head buried in his pillow) I'm in SOLITUDE MOTHER!

SM: But sugar-beet! Someone's at the door for you! I must say its very exciting for me! I've never met any of your friends before!

N: Try to figure out _why_...!

Speedy: Someone's at the door for me? (intrigued) Is it Good Bird?

SM: Not unless he changed his name to Luciel and wears a dress...!

N: Anything's possible...

(Suddenly, the door to Speedy's bedroom swings open. Speedy is standing in the doorway…wearing his Scooby Doo pj's)

Speedy: Luciel? Here? Now?! (not knowing what to do) OH MY GOD! WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO?!! I need to brush my teeth, shave and...hey mom! I do you think I can I borrow dad's cologne?

SM: Now pumpkin it's rude to keep your guest waiting! Besides, your father's cologne doesn't work, I assure you. Downstairs with you, quickly now!

(Speedy rushes downstairs until Luciel spots him, then he slows down and walks in a more sophisticated, suave rhythm…)

Speedy: (playing it cool) Why Luciel? I'm pleasantly surprised to see you here at my humble abode...

N: Oh please, gag ME!

Speedy: (leans against the wall)...You're looking well...(growing nervous) _Not_ that you look sick or anything cause you never look sick but well cause you always look well and stuff-!

N: Smooth...Speedy's going for the 'village idiot' approach here. 

Luciel: I'm really sorry to bother you Speedy, but I feel that it's my responsibility to pass on some very icky news...

Speedy: (gulp) Icky? (thinking: "like things couldn't get any worse for ME!") What's icky Luciel...?

Luciel: (sighs) Well I know you got my letter and I was going to ask you to Conny's party tonight...but…OH SPEEDY! It's so ICKY!

Speedy: Oh I KNOW! I should have shaved the other side of my face...

Luciel: (confused) Huh?!

(suddenly, Speedy's mother takes a picture with her Polaroid camera from behind. Speedy is not very happy about this…)

Speedy: (very humiliated) Mother…! You're embarrassing ME!

SM: (squealing with joy!) OH! This is going straight to the 'Treasured Moments' album! Sugar-Beet's very first girlfriend!

Speedy: (trying to remain calm) MOTHER!! Isn't there something you can go bake for dad, HMMM!? (hint hint) 

SM: Okay pumpkin! But don't be too long! You need to eat too...(walks towards the kitchen) You two are just so adorable! 

(giggles as she walks out of sight)

Speedy: Sorry about that Luciel. Her condition's hereditary...(thinks for a moment)…wait that's not good...!

Luciel: Well, anyway! (continues)...You see Speedy when you came into the girls locker room yesterday Conny said that you saw her in the shower and well...she's kinda cranky and says you can't go to her party now or she's going to cut off the oxygen supply in your body. Plus Guido and Polly mentioned something about performing surgery on you...

Speedy: Oh...(gulp!) So what your saying is if I feel like being cut open any time soon Conny's is the place to hang!

N: Why wait till tonight?! Leave NOW!

Luciel: I'm so sorry Speedy...! (begins to walk off) I guess I should be getting to school now…

Speedy: Yes school! Of course! Place of learning, place of knowledge, place of good friends and discipline and...I should really shut up now...

N: My sentiments exactly.

Luciel: (giggling) OH! And by the way...I like your pajamas Speedy…(she winks at him and begins to walk away)

Speedy: (looks down at what he's wearing and blushes) OH! How…how did those get there?! Eh he!

N: As Luciel walks down the street, Speedy was about to go back inside when lightning struck his brain! Not literally of course, though I wish it were to be true. It's not quite raining at the moment…(disgruntled)…damn sunny weather sequence!

(Speedy quickly runs down the street after Luciel)

Speedy: (waving his arms around) LUCIEL!! WAAAAAAIT!! Don't go yet!!

Luciel: Speedy? (turns around) Speedy, what is it?!

Speedy: (jogs up to her) I'll be there...!

Luciel: Where?

Speedy: Listen! Just don't get another date for tonight okay? I'll be there, I promise!

Luciel: (concerned) But Speedy! What about everything I just said? Mass murder can seriously damage your health!

Speedy: I'll meet your there okay! But my name won't be Speedy it will be Mitch okay?! (runs off back to his house) Bye Luciel!

Luciel: (still very concerned and now confused) BUT SPEEDY!? Who's MITCH?!

N: While Speedy wagged the day off, we now tune into the conversation stylings of Polly and Luciel later that same morning at school. By the way, Polly is actually in a good mood. I'm quite scared…

Polly: (with a huge grin) Cerviche's banned from Conny's and I got a new blouse! This is a GREAT day!

Luciel: I'm sure Speedy didn't mean to come into the girl's locker room when he did. You know how he has that seeing impairment and everything.

Polly: (sarcastic) Oh yeah? Well it seems that that 'seeing impairment' crossed wires with his brain if you ask me. I'm telling you Luciel that guy is a total closet case! If shows up to Conny's tonight _nobody _is going to let him leave alive! Conny's made sure of that.

Luciel: (thinks to herself…"Poor Speedy...!")

(All of a sudden, someone taps Polly on the shoulder…)

Polly: (turns around) Oh...Anchovie. (disgusted) I thought I smelled something…

Guido: So! How's my date for the party going?! (smirking) Ready for Captain Love to take you on wild cruise of excitement?!

N: Captain WHAT?!

Polly: Sure! (sarcastic) Just let me get my life jacket and a bottle of tequila…

Luciel: (looking at Polly in surprise) Guido is taking you to the party tonight?! When did this happen?! 

Polly: Well, Captain HERNIA here rang me yesterday and actually made some good points about how this is a very good thing for our popular status and all...so I bit my tongue and said yes…! It's not so bad…!

Luciel: (turning to Guido in disbelief) Did you hypnotise her?

Guido: (puts his arm around Polly. Polly flinches…) Absolutely not! Polly just finally realised what she was missing out on! (adds quickly) Plus I'm paying for her new shoes.

Polly: Yeah, and don't forget the matching purse!

N: Who is 'Mitch'? Are we having a Baywatch cameo? Is Guido practicing hypnosis? Does Speedy really wear those pajamas to bed? Will he dare attempt to show up to Conny's in the name of love and teenage hormones? Will he have any limbs missing by the end of the show? If for some paranormal reason you give a damn about any of this, join us again for part 4 of 'Before They Made Pizza and drove the narrator mental'...!

Speedy: (still in the middle of push-ups) PART 4?!

N: You heard me!

Vi: SILENCE!!


	5. Part Four

~*~

N: And here we are again for part four! YAY! (sarcastic) Help me! The joy is just too much…(yawn) Since I want this torture to be over as soon as possible lets cut to the chase and head straight to High School. The plot is thickening! (If there is a plot at ALL!) We skip to tonight where Conny's famous party is taking place at her glorious mansion! Never has there been a party quite as huge as this! Except maybe for the one at the Playboy mansion…not that I went to that or anything...hehehe...ANYWAY! The music is lame and the night is YOUNG! Who knows what fortunes tonight may bring! At the moment, everyone is starting to arrive. No sign of the mysterious 'Mitch' though…

Conny: (standing cheerfully at her door welcoming people as they come in) HEY! ...Thanks for comin'...like thanks youz guys...TOTALLY!

N: What language is this girl meant to be speaking?

(Guido makes his grand entrance...)

Guido: (announcing himself) Guido Anchovie has entered the building! 

Conny: Like hey there Guido! (staring at him pathetically) You're looking so totally, way-out cool by the way!

Guido: (straightening his jacket)...I know!

Conny: So you hooked up tonight or some junk?

Guido: Of course! Like Guido Anchovie can't get a date!...(looks back out the front door) Here she comes now! Must have dropped one of her heels in your moat.

Conny: (laughing like a constipated hyena) AHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAH! You're so totally FUNNY!

N: AHAHAHA my EARS are burning!

(After a bit of jogging, Polly finally gets to the front door)

Polly: (slaps Guido in the head) Thanks for _escorting _me to the front door, ANCHOVIE! (looking flustered from the jog) I can't believe I stooped so low as to come here with YOU! I new you'd cramp my style... 

Guido: (sounding smooth) Did I mention you look hot in that red dress?

Polly: (hits him again) OH SHUT UP!!

Guido: HEY! Watch the jacket it's just been PRESSED!

N: As Polly and Guido enter the crowd inside, Bat Cat suddenly (and unfortunately) decides to make his entrance...I say shut the door on him!

Conny: (in a high pitched voice) Like HI Batcat!

Batcat: (imitating her) Like HI Conny!

Conny: Where's your date?

Batcat: Stood me up if you must know... 

N: And it's not hard to see WHY!

Batcat: You know women! (shaking his head) They just can't sort themselves out…I mean, take you for example!

Conny: (a little irritated) So if you don't have a date what will you do for like...FUN?

Batcat: (laughs) Get wasted and puke all over your house I guess...

Conny: (disgusted) You total PIG!! 

Batcat: OINK!! OINK!!

Conny: (to herself...) What a complete freak..!

Batcat: Whatever. (walks off)

(Francine is the next to enter)

Conny: (surprised) Oh my GOSH! Francine Manx?! I didn't know they like…let you out at night!

Fran: (sounding depressed) I am here in order to break the borders of my once hopeful love who formed into my hopeless love, as a therapeutic experiment for my spirituality and well being...I also came for curry puffs.

Conny: (pointing behind her) Food tables' by the pool. All that other bogus you said just went like, totally over my head...!

Fran: Its okay. I wouldn't expect a dumb blonde to understand a conversation with _long _sentences...(begins to walk away towards the food)

Conny: Freak number two…!

(Luciel arrives…alone)

Conny: Like HI Luciel!

Luciel: Oh, hi Conny... 

Conny: You look totally great by the way! Love the dress! Where's your date? There was this rumor that you were bringing Speedy Cerviche but I was like NO WAY, get serious that guys a little pervert!

Luciel: (nervous) Speedy isn't invited though, is he?...Right?

Conny: TOTALLY! Or else I'm going to ship him to one of those angry countries where he'll join white slavery or something really 'out-there'! 

Luciel: That sounds....nice! 

Conny: So who is your, you know REAL date...? I better he's a total meltdown babe!!

Lucile: My real date? OH! Right, him! Ummmm he'll be here…later! We're meeting each other...

Conny: FAR OUT!! You total guy magnet!! What is his name?

Luciel: (trying to think of the name) Ummmmmm...

N: Stupid weenie dork face!

Luciel: MITCH! Yes! He's from out of town..._way_ out of town! 

Conny: Wow, Mitch huh?! How TV! He's sounds way super-cool! 

Luciel: Well I better go and see if he's here yet...bye Conny!

Conny: (waving) BYE Luciel! Don't forget to try the sausages I minced the meat myself (suddenly notices something about her fingernails…) Oh great! Would you check that out? Dandruff is stuck in my nails again!

N: Too bad Francine didn't catch that food report. Meanwhile inside the party, a worried Luciel searches for any signs of 'super cool Mitch' but ends up running into Polly and Guido. How unsuper-cool for her…

Polly: Hey Luciel! I was looking for you everywhere!

Luciel: (putting her hand to her ear) WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU THE MUSIC'S TOO LOUD!

Polly: I said…! (raising her voice) I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU EVERYWHERE!

Luciel: (confused) YOU WERE ROOTING IN NEVERLAND?!

(Guido grabs Polly by the arm and pulls her into the crowd)

Guido: COME ON POLLY LET'S DANCE!!

Polly: (being dragged away) Ah HELL! LUCIEL HELP!! HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A DECK CHAIR!! 

Luciel: (with an odd look) BITE QUINN ON THE BREAD WITH A CHECKERED PEAR?! 

N: As time passes, the ever famous 'Mitch' suddenly arrives to startle the crowd...or blind it.

(Outside, a flashy little red sports car speeds up the driveway and a tall, handsome guy wearing dark sunglasses and suit steps out and heads for the front door...)

Conny: (very excited to see him) Fab CAR!! Totally drool worthy!! You've got be super-cool Mitch!? Right!?

N: (sarcastic) NO! It's your pool guy Ernie…

Mitch: (in a deep, masculine voice) I am...I am very super-cool and my name happens to be Mitch.

Conny: (giddy) FAR OUT! Go on inside, Luciel's waiting for ya'! 

Mitch: (coolly) Thanks...(he walks in)

Conny: And when you're done with her CALL ME!! I'm LISTED!!

N: As there are no visuals (lucky you…), 'super-cool Mitch' is actually 'super-weirdo Speedy' wearing stilts or platform shoes of some kind underneath a suit while also wearing a wig gelled back with Vaseline. Did I mention he 'borrowed' his uncle's car? And as this carefully crafted disguise makes Speedy look remotely presentable, girls suddenly bombard him before he even gets through the foyer! ....I gotta get me some Vaseline...!

Girl #1: (leaning on 'Mitch's' arm) I saw your wheels. Very impressive! So how come I haven't seen you around before?

Speedy: (suddenly nervous) I, ah-!

Girl #2: (cutting in quickly) Your Mitch right? There's a rumor going around that your an upcoming daytime soap opera star, is it true?!

Speedy: (feeling a little overwhelmed) Soap opera star? I...!

Girl #3: (jumping in front of him) You're on TV!? WOW! Hey, do you know Luke Perry?!

Girl #2: Know him? They're probably best friends, right?! (looking at Mitch)

Speedy: (giving in) Ah, yeah! Me and Leon go way back!

N: Your best friend's name is LUKE star boy...!

Speedy: (whispering to the narrator) Who cares, they're TALKING TO ME!! Oh, HAPPY DAY!! 

N: While Speedy hasn't gotten this much attention since he spent a day with his fly down, Polly has broken away from Guido for 5 minutes and discovers Mr. Popularity...

Polly: (looking at 'Mitch' like an eagle whose spotted its prey) Who is THAT...?!

Fran: (who was the only person standing near by) According to my sources, THAT is a 'Mitch.'

Polly: Mitch, huh? He is just too gorgeous for words!

Fran: (dreamily) I know. Apparently he's a loaded soap star from California and was also the butt double for Tom Cruise in 'Risky Business'.

Polly: (astonished) No WAY!

Fran: Way... 

(Batcat, who's a little drunk, comes over and puts his arms around them)

Batcat: Hey girls, what's shaking? 

Polly: (sarcastic) That sunflower seed of a brain in your head? 

Fran: (answers him) We were just staring at Mitch.

Polly: Indeed! (glaring at Batcat) By the way, you touch me vermin and I'll pull your collarbone out through your ear!

Batcat: (takes his arm off her) I was touching you?! Oh man how stupid of me! I could catch the plague and everything now, huh?

Polly: (pushes him away) You're the only plague around here, MORON! 

Batcat: Whatever.

Polly: (looks at Fran) And don't think that because I talked to you that we're friends now or anything...! (walks over towards Mitch)

Fran: (sarcastic) Why spoil a perfect relationship?

Batcat: (who still has his arm around her) So, Francine! Come here often...?

Fran: (considering him critically) How much money is in your bank account?

(Cut to Mitch who is now sitting down at the bar. He is drinking a cocktail while surrounded by many admiring girls…)

Girl #1: It must be so awesome to be 21!

Speedy: (who has lost his brain) Well, when your a big name in Hollywood 21 or not you can pretty much get away with anything!

Girl #4: So what project are you working on next Mitch?

Speedy: Oh you know, a few martial arts movies here and there. I was even thinking of making an album and releasing my own fragrance.

Girl #5: That's such a cool idea, what will the fragrance be called...?

Speedy: I was thinking...(in an intense tone) 'Mitch: the Fragrance'

Girl #5: (deeply moved) Woooooooooooowww!

Girl #2: So original!

N: Anybody wondering what happened to Luciel? Too bad if you weren't...

(Cut to Luciel by the pool)

Luciel: (watching some hippy guy make her a sausage over the BBQ) Excuse me, um, but isn't it done yet...?

Hippy guy: (oblivious) Is what done yet?

Luciel: (irritated) My sausage!? Is it cooked?

Hippy guy: (offended) I'm not serving sausages, I'm only serving Tofu dogs as they do not contain any particles of our Gods animal kingdom. If you want to eat meat I suggest you take a spoon to your local SLAUGHTERHOUSE!!

Luciel: Slaughterhouse?!

Hippy guy: That's right you blood thirsty MURDERER! (going crazy) MURDERER!! MURDERER!!

Luciel: (growing upset) Murderer?!

Guy in the pool playing volleyball: (just behind Luciel) Hey, heads UP!!

(All of sudden, a ball hits Luciel in the head sending her off balance and into the pool with a giant splash)

N: Uh-oh...Call me crazy but I just had the sudden premonition of an explosion ahead.... I'll be on the Pokemon set if anyone wants me!

(Everyone laughs out load at the sight of Luciel in the pool)

Guy in pool #1: Dude, that was CLASSIC!

Guy in pool#2: That will keep me laughing for a week at the most!

Hippy Guy: (throwing tofu in the pool) MURDERER!! Feel the wrath of water oh mighty queen of NARKS!!

Luciel: (who arises to the surface of the water, her hair all messed up and her mascara running) Stop laughing, all of you! STOP IT!! (close to tears) My hair! My FACE! MY CLOTHING ARRAGNGEMENT!! RUINED!! (looks at the hippy guy) And who on earth eats their meat with a SPOON??!! 

(with that, the hatch on her head opens and missiles dart out like fire works. The massive explosion causes a fire to start…)

Guy in pool#1: (panicky) Dear God, FIRE!! FIRE!! We're all gonna FRY!!

Guy in pool#2: Does this mean we have to stop playing pool volleyball now?

N: Meanwhile, the news of the fire has calmly reached the extent of the party inside...

(cut to scene where everyone is running out of the house, screaming and waving their arms about in collective hysteria…)

Conny: (pissed off) Okay guys, be straight with me: who invited _fire_ to the party?! Did I not mention that there was a totally unbreakable GUEST LIST??!!

Speedy: (who was standing near by…) Fire?! OH KNOW!! (suddenly concerned) I better go find Luciel and make sure she's okay...!

(Speedy heads outside to the front of the house. Everybody is running around or getting into their cars and making a break for it. Speedy himself suddenly pulled into a car and driven away...)

Speedy: (terrified) AAAHHH! Help! CATNAPPERS!! CATNAPPERS!!

Polly: (sitting in the drivers seat) Relax Mitch. (seductively) This is a 'catnap' your surely going to enjoy...

Speedy: (in a confused voice)...Polly? Polly Ester?

Polly: Well! Aren't you a man of the world. You already know my name.

N: As you can see, Polly is another fungus head who doesn't know soap star 'Mitch' is Speedy in a ridiculous disguise. As a result, she has fallen deeply 'in lust' with him. Let's all hope that where ever they're driving too that it's really dark...

Speedy: (who suddenly realized that Polly thinks he's 'Mitch') What about the fire?! (still concerned about Luciel)

Polly: What about it?

Speedy: (thinking about Luciel) People might be in trouble!

Polly: Oh don't worry! We all learnt how to 'duck and cover' at school. 

Speedy: Well...where are we driving to anyway?

Polly: (in a mysterious tone) Where everybody goes when it gets 'hot'....

Speedy: Where's that?

Polly: Look-out point...

Speedy: (gulp!) Look-out point?!

N: And I DON'T think she's taking him there for the view.

(In what seems no time at all, Polly parks the car in the last empty space at a rather crowded 'Look-out point'.)

N: So! This stereotypical set up is 'Look-out point'…or as I like to call it, the 'why don't they all just get a room' point. 

Speedy: (feeling a little uncomfortable) So...nice...trees they have up here, huh?

Polly: (in one quick motion, moves off the drivers seat to sit on top of Speedy's lap) Forget about the trees Mitch...let's talk about you.

Speedy: (now extremely uncomfortable and nervous to the point where he can hardly open his mouth) Mitch? I MEAN!...Me? That's me..! I'm Mitch!

N: What a momentous occasion to witness: Speedy's first contact with a girl! And all he had to do was get a completely different identity. Yes, unfortunately for him there were no other options.

Polly: (un-buttoning his shirt) So why don't you tell me all about Hollywood and stuff...

Speedy: (sweating) AH! Um...its...(gulp)...well, they've got this sign...

Polly: Yeah...

Speedy: On a hill...

Polly: Yeah.

Speedy: Says 'Hollywood'...

Polly: Right...

Speedy: And...ah...UM!

Polly: (stoking his face) Oh, poor baby! Having trouble talking? I can fix that...

Speedy: You've got throat spray?!

Polly: Not exactly...(kisses him passionately instead)

N: While this would be my que to go vomit all of my internal organs, I will stay for this disgusting display because wouldn't you know it?! 'Mitch's' wig just fell off with all the excitement! 

Polly: (noticing his wig) Hey, what's with your head?

Speedy: (a little out of breath) Wha...? He...ead?

N: 'Head' Speedy - where the 'brain' is meant to be? If you had one…

Polly: (now looks down at his face, and realizes in utter horror:)...SPEEDY?!

Speedy: (still a little out of it) Speedy? Who is…Speedy?

Polly: (screaming) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!! YOU!! YOU'RE SPEEDY!! (starts to pound Speedy so hard that the car shakes up and down)

N: Meanwhile, in a parked car not too far away...

Guido: You hear that scream? (sticking his head out of a car window. He sees Polly's car in the shadows…shaking up and down…?) 

Guido: Someone's going at it like wildlife!

(Then, Guido sees Polly herself run out of her car. She is looking extremely pissed off…)

Guido: (jumps out of the car he's in and rushes up to her) Poll'!? (sounding suspicious) What are _you _doing up here?!

Polly: (full of rage) Guido!? What do you mean what am I doing up here!? What are _you _doing up HERE?!

Guido: I came up here to...(thinking quickly)...watch nature and get a head start on my biography assignment that's WHAT! (hands on hips)

Polly: I think you mean your _biology_ ASSIGNMENT?! 

Conny: (sticking her head of the car Guido was in. Her hair is all ruffled and her make-up disarray…) Guido, like come back already! We only made out for 10 minutes!

Polly: CONNY?! (even angrier then before) You made out with CONNY!!?? GUIDO!! (kicks him in the leg) YOUR SUPPOSE TO BE MY DATE!! 

Guido: (holding his leg) And you still are, babe! (kisses her hand reassuringly) I told you I'm only up here for the purposes of science!

Polly: Oh YEAH?! Here's a punch in the HEAD! (punches him in the head) But don't worry, its 'FOR SCIENCE!'

(Speedy is the next to come out. He drags himself out of Polly's car. He looks like a beaten-up war victum…)

Speedy: Ah! I'm going to be purple tomorrow...

Guido: CERVICHE?! (realises he came out of Polly's car) Oh my GOD!...(points at Polly) You were making out with CERVICHE!!??

Polly: (embarrassed) NO! OF COURSE NOT! HE TRICKED ME!! He came to Conny's party and tricked me into thinking he was SOMEONE COOL!! Just so he could get his slimy HANDS ON ME!! 

Conny: You mean Speedy Cerviche came to _my_ party?! 

Guido: And touched _my_ girlfriend??!!

(They all stare at Speedy threateningly. Speedy in the mean time is cowering in the shadows…)

Speedy: (a little panicked) Eek....this doesn't sound too good...!

N: And no, it wasn't too good for Speedy at all. Polly, Guido and Conny - all with separate agendas - chase Speedy down the highway off 'look-out point' until a fire engine passes by and squashes Speedy into the pavement like rodent! No, just kidding don't worry! I asked for that ending but you know, inhumanity and all that crock. But there was a fire engine passing by...!

Speedy: (who makes an athletic leap for the back of the fire engine) This is going to make me or break me!... (grabs hold of one of the attached ladders and is lifted up off the road)...YES! Finally! GOLD STARS FOR SPEEDY! (gets hit on the head by a passing tree trunk) OUCH! DAMMIT!

Polly: (watching in anger as Speedy gets away. She starts to throw her shoes down the road in fury) AAAAAAHHHH!! I HATE YOU SPEEDY!! I'LL HATE YOU FOREVER!!

Guido: Hey, I paid good money for those shoes!

N: Can you believe it? Speedy is the hero again despite his nerdness. But he hasn't won yet. Can he still make it with Luciel? As you can guess that fire engine headed straight back for Conny's, where the fire has now been controlled. Speedy enters the house and searches frantically for Luciel…

Speedy: (inspecting practically ever room) Luciel?! Are you in here?! Luciel?! (opens the door to the spare bedroom...) Luciel??

Francine: (in the spare bed under the sheets) AH! 

Speedy: (shocked) Sharlene?! 

Fran: Speedy?!

Batcat: (whose head appears from beneath the sheets too…) Who's Sharlene?

Speedy: (embarrassed) Sorry! I didn't realise people were in here! (closes the door)

Fran: (upset) Oh know! Speedy saw me with you! (looking at Batcat) Now he'll think that I don't like him!

Batcat: (unmoved) So, my family's richer then his family...remember?

Fran: (suddenly cheery) Oh yeah! I forgot!

Batcat: Whatever.

N: Why the hell is a life threatening disaster like a fire such a turn on? Anyway, Speedy finds Luciel outside wrapped in a blanket...

Speedy: (overjoyed) LUCIEL!!

Luciel: (also overjoyed) SPEEDY!! Your alive!! (runs over to hug him)

Speedy: (feeling bruised) A little bit alive, I guess...

Luciel: You look like you were run over!

Speedy: (a bone cracks) I wish...

N: Me too.

Luciel: Oh Speedy! I didn't know if you were coming tonight! I waited for you but then the fire started and my mascara got ruined! It was so awful...

Speedy: I'm so sorry Luciel! I did come, but I was disguised. Nobody recognized me and I got a little distracted by all the attention...nobody ever notices me you know...(looking down) 

Luciel: (in a supportive tone) Speedy, you don't need to be anybody but yourself.

Speedy: (hope in his eyes) Really?!

Luciel: (kisses him on the cheek) Of course.

Speedy: So I can still ask you out to the movies next weekend?

Luciel: Yeah!

Speedy: (over-excited) And to the prom??!!

Luciel: That's months away!

Speedy: But you'll come with me right?

(The scene becomes all wobbly and fuzzy yet again as it returns back to the Pizza Cats in the Palace with Princess Vi)

N: And we're back! Please tell me the spider is dead...?

Polly: (incredibly tired) No, it crawled away about an hour ago...

N: Bored out of its mind probably.

Polly: Speedy might dead though.

Speedy: (lying on the floor in a cold sweat from all the push-ups) I can't feel my shoulders...!

Vi: (who was thoroughly entertained) WOW! That was a really good story! I wish I could go to High School...

Fran: (ignores her) What time is it?

Guido: (with a yawn) 4 am...

Vi: (very much awake) Did all that stuff really happen to you guys back then!?

Fran: Most of it. I think the writers went a bit over-board...

Guido: I know. I don't ever remember liking Polly so much.

Polly: (surprisingly calm) I'd hit you Guido except I'm half asleep.

Guido: (sarcastic) You know I luv ya' Poll'…

Polly: I luv ya' too dipstick...

N: God, they are tired!

Speedy: (still lying on the floor in agony) I don't remember ever being that nerdy...

Guido: Actually that part was pretty accurate.

Speedy: (too exhausted to fight back) Yeah you jock Guido...

Fran: I don't remember ever sleeping with Batcat myself.

Polly: (amused) That good huh?

(They all laugh)

Speedy: Can we go home now? PLEASE? The spider is gone...(looking at Vi with lazy eyes)

Vi: Don't you have anymore embarrassing stories?!

S, G, P, F: (in unison) NO!

Vi: Well FINE! How did you all end up becoming Pizza Cats?! It can't end like this?! I'm DISSATISFIED!!

N: And indeed it can't end like this. How did they become Samurai Pizza Cats? How did they join forces? What does pizza have to do with crime fighting anyway? Who designed those ridiculous costumes you ask? Well I can't answer everything, but here's a little vague, sneak peak. I'm going to bed now. See you on our next enticing episode of this continuous flow of television dribble!

(Screen goes wobbly one last time - back to when the cats were in High School again, except this time we fast-forward to their final year and only a couple of days before graduation...) 

Guido: (picking up a pamphlet in the hallway and reading it aloud:) 'The Samurai Pizza Cat Academy'

Polly: (who just happened to walk by) Well, look who learned how to read…

Guido: (happy to see her) YOU!

Polly: YOU!

Guido: What are you doing here?!

Polly: This happens to be my school to ya' know. (looking at the pamphlet) 'The Samurai Pizza Cat Academy'? Are you thinking of going there after graduation?

Guido: I don't know I just picked it up. Sounds pretty stupid...(diverts to another subject)...You know Polly, in light of graduation and all, I'm happy you and I remained friends despite-!

Polly: (interrupting) Despite the fact that you've cheated on me twice and flirted with me continuously like a brainless turd?

Guido: Well, yeah! But I happened to think my flirting abilities are of a high standard. 

Polly: (amused) Really?

Guido: (kidding around) For example: have I told you how sexy you are looking today?

Polly: (rolls her eyes) Oh go shove it in a light socket Guido!

(Francine comes into the scene)

Fran: Hi guys, what are you doing?

Guido: Polly's flirting with me again.

Polly: (hits him) Yeah, in another dimension! (turns to Fran) Hey are you and I still on for videos this Saturday?

Fran: (sarcastic) Not unless your hanging out with the cheerleading squad and condemning me to fashion prison…?

Polly: (laughs) My God, did I really use to be like that to you?

Fran: Don't worry you've apologized for it on a number of occasions...(looks at Guido and his pamphlet) Hey! I'm going to that Academy!

Guido: Your going to be a: (reading the pamphlet again) 'Samurai Pizza Cat'?

Fran: I was actually thinking of becoming manager for one of the outlets...(with a cheeky grin)…especially after I heard about the financial opportunities! You know you guys should think about becoming samurai's. Especially you Polly now that you're the first female captain of the wrestling team...

Guido: I know, who saw that one coming! Prissy cheerleader to...(thinking for a moment)...prissy head basher...(laughs)

Polly: Do want to live before graduation Guido?!

(and along comes Speedy and Luciel…)

Speedy, Luciel: Hey...!

Guido: Luciel! Speedo! Good to see you. Speedy, did you just get back from football practice?

Speedy: (a little flustered) Yeah! And I thought home economics was tough…!

Luciel: He almost killed Batcat...! It was so exciting!

Guido: No kidding! Who thought the ol' nerd had it in him.

Speedy: (lightly annoyed) Do you want to live before graduation Guido?!

Polly: (cutting in) Too late! I already reserved to kill him before graduation...

Speedy: Damn!

Fran: Hey Speedy, have you thought about joining 'The Samurai Pizza Cat Academy'? You'd be good at now that your all...'footbally' and do martial arts and stuff.

Speedy: (takes the pamphlet) Don't know, haven't really thought about the future. (sarcastic) My dad says I should be an accountant.

Guido: (also sarcastic) I'd be an accountant, but I then again I wouldn't want my job to be over-stimulating.

(everyone laughs)

Speedy: I heard Goodbird went to one of these 'Academy' things, but apparently his one's really evil and for crows only. 

Polly: So much for the fashion designer dream! Everybody changes I guess.

Luciel: (with enthusiasm) Speedy honey, come on! Schools almost over and we have to go rent your tux for the prom! I don't want my date to look scruffy!

Speedy: (looking at his watch) Oh yeah! My penguin suit fitting I totally forgot...! (waves goodbye to everyone) I'll see guys ah, soon I suppose...

Guido: That means 'I'll see in 20 years for the reunion' right?

Speedy: I don't know...(already leaving)...better make it 30 years. 

THE END!

~*~


End file.
